It’s so hard to be friends with people. It makes days spent alone in quarantine feel exhausting. I’ve never been able to keep or really make friends. I’ve lost them all (to no fault other than my own) and now I feel very anxious and alone most of the day. I’m becoming hyper aware of my anxiety and it’s causing me more anxiety. I just wish I was better at controlling my emotions. I wish I could just not be an anxious noob who’s overly friendly and falls in love quickly and hates easily. It’s so exhausting being on both ends of extreme feelings day in and day out with the people that I care about. I wish my brain would stop being so obsessive about my existence with people I love and just chill. One day I will be better at controlling my emotions and all my anxiety and obsessions will go away.
I’ve been super mopey and sad lately because I’m realizing that the people I consider family and have been leaning on for support have never really been there for me and that they don’t really have the capacity to be supportive and helpful like I wish they could. I’ve realized I’ve been searching for a mother and have come up short every time. I’m learning to set boundaries and loosen expectations because no one will be able to be the mother I wish I still had. Its been a very frustrating and sad journey. But today is the day I finally learned my truth and I’m really proud of that.
